Reproductive Remorse

So you’re a mom with reproductive remorse. Interesting. A mom who wishes she never had her kids. Ok. It’s, “I love my kids, but…”  

Not that I want to invalidate someone’s feelings, but, after reading articles such as this, I urge the women who feel reproductive remorse to give a different set of reasons since the ones I’ve read are disingenuous.

One of the top reasons for regretting having had kids is Time — wishing for more of it, wishing for “free time,” “me time,” and “us time.” I don’t know how this is unique to people with kids, but let me try to break it down a bit. My husband and I had kids later in life, but I don’t remember the last time I had “free time” or “me time.” My schedule always consisted of waking up early and hitting the gym, putting in a full day’s work, coming home, making dinner, cleaning up, getting some writing done and at some point sitting down to watch TV. My schedule with two kids is not that different except for working out, which I hope to resume in the near future. And whatever “free time” I had before kids was usually unfocused and stressed because in the back of my mind I was thinking about all the practical things that needed to get done.

So, what is “free time, really”? I think I was in my 20’s the last time I had genuine, real “free time” in which I could take two hours to write in my journal, or hang out with friends on a whim without worrying too much about bills or meeting deadlines. As for “us time,” it was, of course, a little easier before kids, but it certainly hasn’t gone away. My husband and I were both movie buffs who stopped going to movies regularly eons ago because it got too annoying to deal with crowds and obnoxious people on their cell phones. It also got frustrating to sacrifice a decent dinner just to catch the one movie that would let out early enough for us to face our responsibilities the next morning (and I’m including weekends here). Going out to a dinner for two was a lot more fun in our 20’s when we didn’t pay attention to crowds, and going out with large groups of friends was actually never much fun because we got tired of paying $70 for $20 worth of food. As a result, we have found other ways to have “us time” from enjoying TV shows together to going wine tasting to finding ourselves on the couch talking and laughing.

As for “me time,” I believe we have it all the time. Maybe just not the way we want. When I was in college and making $4.25 an hour, my “me time” included having lunch, going to a movie for $4 about 3 times a week, buying snacks and still having money left over to buy whatever CD or book I’d want at Barnes & Noble. When I finally got a professional job, years before kids, I didn’t have the time to go see a movie once a week, much less three. And if I did, I wouldn’t be able to see a movie, buy snacks, and have money left over, that’s for sure. And why is that? Because things change. 

When I turned 30, I became serious about my creative pursuits, so my “me time” became creative time whether it was writing or working on film projects. In my first trimester with my first daughter, I was depressed because I thought that any time I had for my creative pursuits would disappear. I ended up being more creative and more focused in her first two years of life than I was in my previous thirty-five (and I continue to be so). What changed was valuing the “me time” I could find, not squandering it, and not thinking about what else I could be doing. Like with anything, it’s about choices.

I also don’t think it’s genuine when someone says you can have kids and say you love them, yet wish you never had them. What that telegraphs is, “I love you, child, but only because you’re here and it is expected of me.” Who wants to feel that? If you truly wish you didn’t have kids, then let them go. Give them up so that they’re with someone who does want them, because not feeling wanted is one of the worst feelings one can feel especially from one’s own biological parent. Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Mothers Who Can’t Love, A Healing Guide for Daughters, wrote: “There’s a shame around [being unloved by your mother], like there’s something wrong with you. If I wasn’t loved maybe I wasn’t lovable.” [1] There’s so much pain that surrounds us that children really must feel safe with their parent(s). You can’t be half in and half out. What happens to a marriage or any relationship with that attitude? Exactly.

In addition, life is too short to live in resentment, and if all you’re doing is waiting for the kids to turn 18 so they can legally leave the house, then you’ve closed yourself off from any lesson they could possibly teach you. I personally can admit that I would not have been a very good mother in my 20’s or early 30’s. And because I *knew* this, I did what I had to do to avoid becoming one. This is a very different sentiment from reproductive remorse. Whatever the reason a woman ends up having children, the consequences of making that decision shouldn’t be taken out on the child. However, this does prompt a larger discussion about the pressures put on women to have children, but that is another subject entirely. [2]

Recently, I read a complaint from a woman who was tired of having to look for a babysitter when going out. Really? That’s a reason you wish you didn’t have kids? This mom and her husband must have had the energy to go out every single night of the week before kids, and now they find it annoying and exhausting to find a babysitter. Most parents I know have a few babysitters on hand and make plans ahead of time. I would make plans ahead of time with friends when I was a teenager! And though nightlife may seem exhausting because of the kids, I discovered two years before our first child — while on my feet at a general-admission Nine Inch Nails show — that I could no longer stay up past 11pm anyway… which brings me to my last point.

The biggest reason for reproductive remorse is the wish for the life one had before kids. This irks me the most. How can you expect to have the life of a twenty-something in your 30’s or 40’s or beyond? None of us wants to get older. We all wish we were still in our 20’s, before the realities of a job started wearing us down, before the anxieties of bills and a mortgage, before the challenges of raising children. I’m a stay-at-home mom and I’ve had countless moments when I wished I had an office door I could shut in order to escape for a few moments. But not once have I wished that my two daughters were out of my life, even in the most difficult moments — and this is coming from someone who for 32 years was vehemently against having kids. I hope that those who wish they never had kids find some peace in their heart, because life should be made of up moments that make you want more, not less.

1. Shouse, Amy. My Mom Didn’t Want to Be a Mother. Dame Magazine, http://www.damemagazine.com/2015/05/07/my-mom-didnt-want-be-mother. Accessed 5 Sep. 2016. 

2.  Excellent article about this topic. http://jezebel.com/we-need-to-talk-about-women-who-regret-motherhood-1635470629