age is but a number in time

 shhh….

can you hear it?

tic-toc. tic-toc. tic-toc.

it’s rhythmic. 

up. 

down. 

up. 

down.

something i discovered about myself a while ago is that i am fixated with time. this ranges from near-manic obsession with the minutes of the day melting away to hyper-focusing on the passage of time, or the passING of time. is it any wonder i studied history? shockingly, though, i don’t really focus on the future in terms of what i’ll be, or even, will i be. “age” has always been an “other” to me. i can understand “age” in relation to the past, but i have trouble applying an understanding of it to the future (my future).

as a child, i thought that when i became an adult, i would have all the answers. i turned 18 and still had questions. then 21, 25, 30 and still had questions. when my mom passed away in 2016, she left behind a list of plans she hoped to one day complete. realizing that we will die never doing all we wanted to do saddened me to no end. i questioned, what was the point then? it still saddens me when i think about it, but i’m not as nihilistic about it anymore. despite all of this, i guess i always assumed that by retirement age and beyond, i would have figured out, at least, some things. right? Right?

recently, i watched the movie Poms starring Diane Keaton. it has an all-star cast that includes Rhea Perlman, Pam Grier, and Celia Weston. i had no idea what it was about, but i love Diane Keaton, so i pressed “play.” what a treat!

as i watched Diane Keaton’s character, Martha, navigate through the emotions of selling all her belongings and moving to a retirement community to live out the last weeks of her life, i began to ponder how necessary these types of movies are. nothing about the age of this cast made the movie any better or worse than a movie in which the cast is all under 30. the glaring difference, of course, is that Martha is staring mortality in the face. and…so…So What? well, i think, this is key. we all like to think we’re immortal and we all like to think we’re not going to age.

watching Poms made me fully realize something. life as we know it doesn’t end at a certain age, nor does it end *because* you’re a certain age, and people in their 70s still have similar concerns that i have in my 40s, many of which are similar to the concerns i had in my 20s. sure, aspects of a 40-something-year old are different from the 20-something version, but, i believe, the core of who we are remains a pretty straight line. i watched these older women face challenges of friendship and family, sex and sexiness, and self-acceptance. you mean, none of those challenges get fully solved by your 70s? by golly! how refreshing!

in the movie, Martha and her friends want to be cheerleaders and are faced with obstacles varying from ageism to sheer physical challenges. of course, they overcome all that, even if the physical part is a bit slower. and, there’s nothing wrong with that! no one can expect a 75-year old body to operate in the same way a 25-year old body would. the depressing truth is that we have been conditioned to hide away the 75-year old body. why? the human body is beautiful and mesmerizing. when treated well and when respected, it can achieve so much, regardless of age. i think we need to honor bodies of all ages and stages, and we need to not hide them after a certain time - especially women’s bodies. we are so hungry for youth and remaining young that we deny the possibilities of what beauty and adventure awaits us when we are no longer a young age.

it brought me so much joy to watch Martha and her cheer squad rehearse their routines and learn different movements, not to mention being challenged to love and accept themselves as they are. i knew what the movie’s ending would bring and, yet, i still cried because it hit close to home, but my heart was so full. this kind of a movie underscores that we won’t have it all figured out by 75, or 80, or 100, should we live that long. but, that is OK because what matters most is that we appreciate the now. strangely, knowing i won’t have it all figured out in 30+ years doesn’t bother me as much as not achieving dreams and long-term to-do lists. there’s that pesky issue with time creeping in, but, with that aside, it’s important to remember that it’s the memories we make along the way that help guide us over the years. by ignoring the fact we won’t, or don’t, have the agility of our youth dishonors all that we have experienced. these experiences, after all, helped usher us into an older age in the first place.

at 75, one may not be able to run a 25K, but it doesn’t mean you cannot run. at 85, one may not be able to dance with a dance company, but it doesn’t mean you cannot dance. at 95, the wrinkles can’t be hidden, but it doesn’t mean one must hide. run, dance, and be seen, but, most importantly, smile in any way you can at whatever age you are. 

your soul will love it.

tic-toc.