Dear Parents, Stop

We're drowning. In so many different ways, we're drowning. From climate change to chemical dependency to the disappearance of critical thinking skills. How long do we humans have left?

Over the last 20 years of teaching, one of the most disturbing trends I have witnessed among parents is the pressure put on children to be perfect, to be the best, to be the most competitive in order to attain whatever recognition possible. It is almost impossible, I think, for us to not place our insecurities on to our children, but we must be aware of when we are doing it. I also think it's a fallacy to believe that our children are carbon copies of us. They may look like us genetically, and they may have some inherited traits, but they are 100% their own people. To push our own insecurities on to them is inflicting more damage than we can imagine. I'm not a psychologist, but I speak from experience.

My mom's insecurities with relationships, which stem from growing up with a cold mother and an alcoholic father, were pushed on to me convincing me for a long time to be distrustful of men. It took years for me to realize and recognize that each man is an individual. Not all men are assholes. So, let's say you are competitive and feel inadequate unless you win 1st place, you are probably pushing that same insecurity on to your children, teaching them that one has no value unless you are #1, when the true lesson should be that everyone has value regardless. And maybe your child doesn't care to be so competitive. Have you asked? Maybe your child has other interests. Have you asked? Have you had an honest conversation about what your child may want? Adults tend to think kids of all ages have no opinions, but they do. Oh, they do.

At Lithuanian school, for the last 3 years or so, we have had a symposium where the 11th and 12th graders are given the floor to describe about what challenges they feel today's youth face. Every year my heart breaks. Consistently, more than half of the students talk about all the pressures they face from family and school to get good grades, to do well on their SAT, to excel in anything they do, to get into an exceptional university, and to be in as many extra-curricular activities as possible, but to also not forget to have an active and fun social life. I know it affects the wealthy, but are you truly surprised by the college admissions scandal that hit last year?

Every single student mentioned that their days often begin before 6am, how they rush to school (some starting their first class by 7am), have classes until 3pm or so, then sports or other lessons, come home early evening, and then sit down for 3-4 hours of homework. Many of them aren't getting to bed until midnight, sometimes later, only to start the day again before 6am. Teenagers should be getting 8-10 hours of sleep. I have yet to meet one that gets that much sleep. Guess what happens to the brain and body when you don't get enough sleep? I think there's enough evidence of the negative effects.

These kids are 16 and 17 years old.

These kids are overworked and tired.

These kids are desperate and sinking.

Read again: These kids are sinking.

Again: KIDS.

These. Are. Kids. And they're drowning.

The more popular social media becomes, the more apps, the more cyber inter-connectedness, the more pressure to be perfect and the deeper the dive below the surface gets.

What are we doing?

According to Business Insider, when analyzing education world-wide, the US ranked

            #6 in 1990 and now

            #27 in 2016.

In math, out of 71 countries, the US ranked

            #38 and

In science, the US ranked

            #24.

What happened over 30 years? We started spending less money on education than other countries even though student enrollment increased. We do not value education. Yet, we sure like to pile on the pressure to excel in it.

What in the actual hell?

Something has to give. When we live out of balance, we get sick. In some way shape or form, we get sick. Maybe it's emotionally, maybe it's physically, maybe it's psychologically. We are not meant for all this pressure. We are not meant to separate ourselves from each other. We are not meant to separate ourselves from nature. We are not meant to separate ourselves from creativity and thought and adventure. We are not meant to separate ourselves from boredom. Being the best and having the most gets you nothing in the end. No amount of awards, money, or accolades will get you out of death. Those awards, the money, and the accolades will be thrown away, distributed, and forgotten.

My wish for people is to see their children as individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses, and help them build on their strengths. Don't force your missed dreams on them. Listen to them and try not to take their weaknesses and mistakes as some sort of failure on your part. We all have strengths and weaknesses, both of which are worthy and valuable to work on. Our strengths and weaknesses are our own - like our thumbprint - and they bring us lessons from which we can learn, if we are open to them. Guide your children to find theirs without you tainting them with your own skewed view of things.

Our children are drowning and they are begging for help. We are the adults. We should know better. We should guide better. We should live better. 

Let. Them. Be. Free.

Losing Working Women

If I went back to tell my 18-year old Self that not only would I be married, have kids, *and* be a SAHM, that Self would laugh at me, slap me, tell me to shut up, and then go on about her day procrastinating. I was so career-driven back then. Er, OK, I was so in love with the idea of having a career but was too scared to chase the one thing I want(ed) more than anything. I find it's easier to just say I was career-driven. Especially since I couldn't figure out what I would actually settle into since I was interested in everything.

Flash forward many moons and here I am. A stay-at-home mom. What? Now, right before getting pregnant with #1, I landed a great job finally taking a real shot at my dreams. I quickly recognized a group of people I connected with and production companies I would've liked to have laterally moved into figuring that if we weren't having kids, I was going to dive into a 60-hour work week schedule with pleasure. But, 8 weeks later, #1 had different plans.

Getting ready for the baby, my husband and I had many conversations about whether I, being the one making less money, should be the one to stay home for the first few years or whether I should go back to work. After some research, and considering other reasons like the benefits of having a parent stay-at-home, we realized it wasn't cost-effective to have me go back to work. It was hard knowing I'd have to give up the budding steps I had started to take toward a career I wanted.

Usually having to wait a bit to read the paper, I immediately read the LA Times article Why are so many women dropping out? As predicted, I shared a similar story with the women in the article and agreed with the research found. There are several reasons women are dropping out of the work-force, but I'm going to focus on the lack of affordable child-care. It's not easy sacrificing an income, especially living in southern CA, but we would be handing over my income to a day-care or nanny while, at the same time, the children would be seeing very little of either parent. What's the benefit in that? Why have kids then?

I would've loved to send my children to a Montessori school. Depending on the length of time that care is needed, the prices range from $13,555-$18,145/year (2016-2017). A co-op I found in Santa Monica in 2014 would've been $8,400/year for 3 hours a day with the agreement to volunteer your time in the classroom and at one of the two or three fundraisers they held each year.

According to Child Care Aware of America, infant cost at a center in CA is on average $13,343 whereas public college tuition is $9,267. Make of that what you want. The average salary in CA is about $64,500 (2015 data). Nationally, it's $55,775. In 2012, day-care cost in CA was $12,068. In 2016, it was $13,343. In four years, that's at a 10.56% increase. Whose salary has gone up almost 11% in 4 years? Anyone? Bueller? (1)

We had children later in life and that's mainly because we felt we didn't want any, though I, personally, couldn't commit to that 100%. I knew I maybe didn't want kids, but there was always a "but" at the end of that followed by ellipses because I just didn't know how to finish that sentence. 

There's so much pressure to have kids from outside sources like TV and movies to the more interior sources like family and friends. Then, you find yourself expecting and everyone is overjoyed. Then you have the kid and realize all the support is gone. Maternity and paternity leave in the US are a joke. I can't help but wonder why there is so much pressure in the US to have a family when we have built a structure that does everything but support a family, especially a new one. I will refrain from getting into the hostility towards women of child-bearing age, but will mention that the lack of support affects fathers as well.

Women in Finland, e.g., start maternity leave seven weeks before the due date. They then get 16 weeks of paid leave and after a child turns 3, parents can partake in partial care leave where they split their time between work and child care until the kid is in 2nd grade. There is also 8 weeks of paternity leave.

Denmark gives 18 weeks maternity leave at full pay. The father gets two, consecutive weeks of paternity leave. (Though that's kind of wimpy, if you ask me. Dads are important!!)

Sweden gives 16 weeks at 80% pay on top of the 18 weeks given to mothers. That's a little over 8 months that baby stays with mom. Fathers get 90 days paid paternity leave.

Other countries to make the list of great maternity and paternity leave are Belgium, Iceland, Serbia, Norway, Hungary, Estonia, and Lithuania.

Of course, an argument can be made that these countries listed don't have the kind of economy that we have. Though, that could be debatable now, but I'm not an economist, so I won't go there. But, for a country like the US that pushes to have a family, we certainly don't invest in them. As a whole, we work long hours that take a toll on our mental and emotional health which then ripples into how we relate to our family members.

I'm not saying child-care should be free. And, as a parent, it's important to know that responsible, emotionally-stable people work with my children. As a result, it's easy to think that the more something costs, the chances are higher that there will be better care. And, while this is usually the case, I know from a family member who worked at a premier, top-notch day-care and pre-school on the Westside, that this is not always true. I, personally, observe interactions between teachers and students, and pay close attention to children's demeanor in the environment. This speaks more to me than any price-tag. But, I digress.

I feel that we've lost sight of things. We should have affordable child-care. People shouldn't have to feel like they're losing by having kids. There is so much you gain by having them, but it can be hard to keep sight of that if one has to quit a job and then live (welfare) check to (welfare) check as Mari Villaluna does (as mentioned in the LA Times article).

If a woman wants to work, she should. It shouldn't have to be an either/or choice.

(1) To see the average cost of child care in 2016 in your state, visit here.