Imagination Knows No Gender

Hate. Love. Hate. Love. Hate. Love. And so it goes, this complicated relationship with fashion that I have had since I was a little girl.

Being a fat child, I quickly learned that fashion wasn’t meant for me. Over the years, I developed a deep love for accessories. Purses, jewelry, hats; I couldn’t get enough. These were things that didn’t require going into a changing room only to be disappointed. I could wear my black-colored outfits and splash them with color and style using the various purses and accessories I wore. For many years, this worked.

Of course, now, the fashion bar has moved. Stylish fashion isn’t just for the size 0 crowd anymore, and while not all areas and malls carry plus-sized clothing stores, the choices and variety out there is much more abundant than even just 15 years ago. For this, I am grateful.

But…this isn’t what I wanted to focus on. Let’s talk children’s clothing. More specifically, clothing for girls.

The gender stereotyping is a horror show. I have two daughters and my hate, love, hate, love relationship with fashion continues.

We, Americans, love to stand out. We practically salivate from craving individuality. One way we seek this precious uniqueness and individuality is through fashion. The image we seek to portray to the world is very much told through the clothes we choose to wear in public regardless of whether it is our “casual” look or our “professional” look. However, diving deeper beneath the surface of the fashion industry, I find a very catered world of how each gender is to express said uniqueness and individuality. We’re made to believe we have some sort of choice, but, do we?

One of the saving graces of growing up fat in the 80s is that whatever was “in” at the moment never fit me. Knock-offs were tough to wear because they were cheap and made me stand out even more. However, not being able to run out and get whatever was the latest trend contributed, in part, to me not being a “girly-girl” (much to my mother’s constant dismay). In the 90s, when the alternative music scene hit and the short-lived grunge style came along with it, it was like the fashion gods heard my cry.

However, rejecting the “girly-girl” image early on has presented some challenges in raising two girls who *are* extremely “girly.” I want them to wear pants and t-shirts and they want the frilliest, most poofy dresses possible mixed with the brightest colors in existence, topped with a Disney princess crown and feet in little heels. I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but it’s here to stay, and I’m working on accepting this part of my life. It’s an on-going process, I admit.

Now, despite all these sensational "girly" vibes, my girls are also into some of the coolest things. They love science, planets, geology, geography, dinosaurs, robots, deep sea fish, animals, legos (where they build their own worlds, cars, planes, robots, etc), history, and, yes, even a little bit of religion and politics with their own opinions that don’t necessarily always agree with mine. (Yes!)

When I go to the girls section of a clothing store, all I find are sparkles and glitter, shiny t-shirts, frilly dresses and skirts, and an uncomfortable amount of pink and purple. Designs on t-shirts for girls are almost solely about friendships, fashion, or social media. When my older daughter was 3 1/2-years old, we moved to a town where the summers can get hot. That first summer in the new house, I went looking for shorts for her and I couldn’t find anything the was NOT a “short-short” with blinged-out lettering on the butt. I’m sorry, what? I didn’t want my child’s underwear to be showing underneath her shorts any more than I would want my 15-year old’s to be seen. I was shocked and disgusted to find that this sexualization of girls began at such a young age. It’s appalling.

Last week, I was at Carter’s (children’s clothing store) and found some items that I knew my girls would like, and that I could stomach. I then happened to go into the boys section to see if I could find anything for my nephew. Suddenly, right in front of me was this incredible t-shirt: an anglerfish with sharks! I stood there feeling like I had struck gold. My 5-year old would LOVE this! She’s obsessed with anglerfish. She constantly talks about them.

Some weeks back, we found Google search has this cool option to view animals in 3D and we had to view the anglerfish multiple times (along with the other animals) and she wanted to find out all she could about it. I recently checked out a kid’s book from the library about anglerfish and, when I brought it home, she took it, and sat on the couch to look at it. We read some of it together and then, at some point, she took the book to dad to read more.

I stood in the aisle at Carter’s and my elation quickly grew to anger. Why wasn’t this t-shirt ALSO in the girls section?! I looked around. All the science, all the sharks, all the dinos, all the building and all the superheroes, all these “manly” images surrounded me. When I looked across the store to the girls section, it was shining bright with all the sparkles and glitter, and messages of popularity. Enough!

There is nothing wrong with all the sparkle and glitter. I have, over the years, embraced a more “girly” side to me. Not only do I love me some sparkle and glitter, I will even wear a dress or a skirt, and feel good in one. But why, oh, why, oh why, does that have to be the ONLY option for girls? And why are the stereotypical “manly” images the only options for boys? I, personally, know of, at least, 2 boys who love glitter and sparkles and the colors pink and purple, but who also love trucks and racing cars and guns and swords, and bless their exhausted mommas for finding creative ways for them to indulge in these interests.

Why can’t we have more gender-neutral stores? Why can’t we get rid of a “girls section” and a “boys section?” A boy shouldn’t feel bad if he wants to wear a fairy on his shirt or pants, and a girl should be given the choice of wearing a dinosaur fossil on her shirt or dress. Kids like what they like, and much of what they’re into, they will probably outgrow. Kids thrive in their imagination. Let us allow for that! Imagination knows no gender! If we truly want to value uniqueness and individuality, then let’s present the whole picture. Let’s provide choices to the kids that will actually tap into that uniqueness and individuality instead of having only an industry’s catered world of what it defines uniqueness and individuality to be, and done so entirely based on the biological sex with which a child was born. Humans are more complex than that, and that is what makes us so beautiful. Let's credit that appropriately.

Below is a list of companies that I feel provide some alternatives. I wish the list was longer. I wish there were any brick and mortar stores. A couple of months ago I purchased “I Will Vote” dresses from Princess Awesome, and my girls love them because when they twirl, the dresses twirl out wide and it makes them giggle with joy. I love it because they have America’s colors and help start conversations about government and voting. Yes, that can be boring to them (I won’t lie), but seeds, people. I’m planting seeds. 

After all, what else are children if not seeds of our future? How healthy do you want yours to be?

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#clotheswithoutlimits - a list of 8 companies that are doing exactly what we need

this site lists 7 companies that offer gender-neutral clothing.

rainbow shops - (a lot of “girly” options, but it offers a couple of clothes with images of little black girls on them - another area the fashion industry fails to fulfill - and the site offers plus sizes for women, so i’m including them on my list.)

and just because, biodegradable glitter to help do our part in staying "girly" but also not harming the environment.

Just Kids Campaign - a post made by two Norwegian moms calling out to H&M to change their approach to their line of clothing for boys and girls. They took the store’s clothes and mixed and matched them on boys and girls without gender stereotyping and created a video posted below. It is fantastic, and it is my sincere wish is to see so much more of something like this.

Dear Parents, Stop

We're drowning. In so many different ways, we're drowning. From climate change to chemical dependency to the disappearance of critical thinking skills. How long do we humans have left?

Over the last 20 years of teaching, one of the most disturbing trends I have witnessed among parents is the pressure put on children to be perfect, to be the best, to be the most competitive in order to attain whatever recognition possible. It is almost impossible, I think, for us to not place our insecurities on to our children, but we must be aware of when we are doing it. I also think it's a fallacy to believe that our children are carbon copies of us. They may look like us genetically, and they may have some inherited traits, but they are 100% their own people. To push our own insecurities on to them is inflicting more damage than we can imagine. I'm not a psychologist, but I speak from experience.

My mom's insecurities with relationships, which stem from growing up with a cold mother and an alcoholic father, were pushed on to me convincing me for a long time to be distrustful of men. It took years for me to realize and recognize that each man is an individual. Not all men are assholes. So, let's say you are competitive and feel inadequate unless you win 1st place, you are probably pushing that same insecurity on to your children, teaching them that one has no value unless you are #1, when the true lesson should be that everyone has value regardless. And maybe your child doesn't care to be so competitive. Have you asked? Maybe your child has other interests. Have you asked? Have you had an honest conversation about what your child may want? Adults tend to think kids of all ages have no opinions, but they do. Oh, they do.

At Lithuanian school, for the last 3 years or so, we have had a symposium where the 11th and 12th graders are given the floor to describe about what challenges they feel today's youth face. Every year my heart breaks. Consistently, more than half of the students talk about all the pressures they face from family and school to get good grades, to do well on their SAT, to excel in anything they do, to get into an exceptional university, and to be in as many extra-curricular activities as possible, but to also not forget to have an active and fun social life. I know it affects the wealthy, but are you truly surprised by the college admissions scandal that hit last year?

Every single student mentioned that their days often begin before 6am, how they rush to school (some starting their first class by 7am), have classes until 3pm or so, then sports or other lessons, come home early evening, and then sit down for 3-4 hours of homework. Many of them aren't getting to bed until midnight, sometimes later, only to start the day again before 6am. Teenagers should be getting 8-10 hours of sleep. I have yet to meet one that gets that much sleep. Guess what happens to the brain and body when you don't get enough sleep? I think there's enough evidence of the negative effects.

These kids are 16 and 17 years old.

These kids are overworked and tired.

These kids are desperate and sinking.

Read again: These kids are sinking.

Again: KIDS.

These. Are. Kids. And they're drowning.

The more popular social media becomes, the more apps, the more cyber inter-connectedness, the more pressure to be perfect and the deeper the dive below the surface gets.

What are we doing?

According to Business Insider, when analyzing education world-wide, the US ranked

            #6 in 1990 and now

            #27 in 2016.

In math, out of 71 countries, the US ranked

            #38 and

In science, the US ranked

            #24.

What happened over 30 years? We started spending less money on education than other countries even though student enrollment increased. We do not value education. Yet, we sure like to pile on the pressure to excel in it.

What in the actual hell?

Something has to give. When we live out of balance, we get sick. In some way shape or form, we get sick. Maybe it's emotionally, maybe it's physically, maybe it's psychologically. We are not meant for all this pressure. We are not meant to separate ourselves from each other. We are not meant to separate ourselves from nature. We are not meant to separate ourselves from creativity and thought and adventure. We are not meant to separate ourselves from boredom. Being the best and having the most gets you nothing in the end. No amount of awards, money, or accolades will get you out of death. Those awards, the money, and the accolades will be thrown away, distributed, and forgotten.

My wish for people is to see their children as individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses, and help them build on their strengths. Don't force your missed dreams on them. Listen to them and try not to take their weaknesses and mistakes as some sort of failure on your part. We all have strengths and weaknesses, both of which are worthy and valuable to work on. Our strengths and weaknesses are our own - like our thumbprint - and they bring us lessons from which we can learn, if we are open to them. Guide your children to find theirs without you tainting them with your own skewed view of things.

Our children are drowning and they are begging for help. We are the adults. We should know better. We should guide better. We should live better. 

Let. Them. Be. Free.

9,000 Died. Listen.

In less than an hour, 9,000 perished.

The ship was built to accommodate about 1,900 people.

Worst maritime disaster in history and her story lost to the waves that swallowed her.

I have 2 degrees in history, the first of which required multiple European history courses to be taken at both Santa Monica College and UCLA, but it's only now, about 75 years later, I learned about the #1 worst maritime disaster in history. This is what "under rug swept" does.

I teach Rūta Šepetys's Between Shades of Gray - an historical fiction novel championed by Lithuanians because it's the first time a mainstream book was written to tell the story about the atrocities Lithuanians, Latvians, and Estonians among others suffered under Stalin. An act of genocide to which America turned a blind eye in order to unite with Russia to defeat Hitler. After so many years of teaching that book, I decided I should read something else by Šepetys. I read Salt to the Sea in one day and would be haunted by its story, this disaster, for days.

The ship, Wilhelm Gustloff, was originally built in the 1930s by Hitler to be used as a type of cruise ship for the German Labour Front program which subsidized leisure activities for German workers. One had to be chosen by the Nazi Party, however, to get to sail on her. All the rooms on the ship were built in equal size except, of course, for one; the one to be used solely by Hitler. By 1939, the Gustloff was mainly docked, and it wouldn't be until 1944 when it was to be used to carry injured German soldiers and refugees from East Prussia to Germany over the Baltic Sea.

Registration of the soldiers and refugees stopped on January 27th when the number count of passengers reached 7,956; however, witnesses say that another 2,000 people boarded the ship before she set sail on January 30, 1944. Remember, the ship was built for roughly 1,900 people and, for perspective, the Titanic lost 1,500 people in 1912.

A Soviet submarine had trailed the Gustloff for some time before firing 4 torpedoes. Only 3 would make a direct hit; the fourth had a problem in release and never fired off.

            A deep popping came from the ship. Its bones were snapping, breaking

            from the contortion pressure. The rounded stern sloped vertically

            toward the sky. People dangled from their railings, screaming. Others

            plummeted backward to their death. An explosion detonated from 

            within the boat under the water. Suddenly, the entire ship lit up...And

            then the lights vanished. The boat disappeared into the black...[as it

            sunk] to the bottom of the sea [with thousands still trapped inside.]

            A momentary quiet followed leaving nothing but the sound of the

            wind and waves. (pp. 350-351)

Silence.

For decades, silence.

It's unfathomable to me. These kinds of disasters don't fit into my brain. The sentence, "People dangled from their railings, screaming" reminds me of the people at the Twin Towers on 9/11, another unfathomable disaster 57 years later.

I'm haunted by all the cruelty we humans can inflict on each other and I'm haunted by the lies and secrecy these cruelties birth. The sinking of the Gustloff was silenced because Germany couldn't admit to a defeat. When people discussed it, they were immediately shut down or were told they were making it all up. I imagine, eventually, people just stopped talking about it. "Under rug swept."

I have never envisioned a utopian society. In fact, I have trouble seeing how that would even work successfully. But the level of hatred and the level of violence that groups of people can, and do, inflict on to the world hurts my heart. This hatred and violence that comes in various forms such as attacking a country, starting a genocide, or ostracizing a group based on skin color, sexuality, or gender identification starts with a seedling of self-hatred that grows and organizes with others who feel the same way. It's never admitted, though, this self-hatred. It just presents itself in hatred for another. If a person is comfortable with him/herself, then it wouldn't matter that the person next to him/her is wealthier or poorer, is of one religion or the other, or is part of the LGBQT+ community or not.

And truth will always prevail. Maybe not in one's lifetime, but it will. It seeks light. And it will prevail because someone, somewhere is connected to an incident and will feel inclined to tell the story. Yes, there have been movies made and books written about the sinking of the Wilhelm Gustloff, but, I think, it still remains mostly hidden. Šepetys found out that some cousins were supposed to be on that ship, but didn't make it on before she set sail. To Šepetys, the disaster became personal. And while I personally don't have a connection to this sinking that I know of, it is one more atrocity connected to World War II during which my grandparents were alive. There is a collective memory of the war that is very much alive. So, one can sweep all one wants, but the dust will never truly settle. Memories travel. Ever wonder why we're drawn to certain things, certain stories, certain parts of history more than others? 

This makes me think of epigenetics - the study of inheriting memories. Scientists have found, at least among animals, that memory seems to be inherited. This seems to be particularly present with phobias and trauma. I fully believe this could apply to humans too. If so, phobias and memories could be passed down which would mean that experiences family members had during WWII, for example, could very well be deeply ingrained in our psyche. I have always believed we are all connected in ways we cannot fathom. Scientists have long found that the way we think about situations affects our health. It's a reason there's such a push to be positive because our cells react positively to good thoughts. Scientists have also long found that when we're surrounded by a tremendous amount of negativity, it suppresses our immunity. Imagine what else it's probably doing to our bodies. Cells get altered. I don't see how that couldn't NOT affect any future offspring. Again, we are all connected in some way shape or form.

Here's a simplified example. Ever experience bad customer service? You don't know the employee, but your paths happen to cross on a day that, let's say, something bad happened to the employee. That person's negative attitude irritates you which makes you snap back. The employee gets deeper into a funk and now you're affected. This negative exchange sits with you long after you leave the place of business. You share it on Facebook and/or Twitter, you tell family, etc. Whatever happened in that employee's life affected you and you kept that negativity going with others. This is a simple example, but it's a way to show the interconnectedness that extends far beyond the bubble of what happened to the employee in his or her life. Imagine that on a global scale and with atrocities. Someone who survives a sinking, a concentration camp, a plane flying into a tower...the effects of such trauma changes a person all the way to the DNA level. I'm no scientist, yes, but I feel this in my heart to be true. We feel each other's joy and we feel each other's pain. Who's to say that all doesn't get passed down genetically?

No one can stop atrocities from happening, unfortunately. And none of us can change the past, but the least we can do is honor those who perished so senselessly on January 30, 1944. It is our duty as their future generations to pay respect to the lives they lived. One of the ways we can do that is by pulling back the rug and giving their story light. Let us take them out of hiding. Give them a voice.

This is my humble attempt to do just that.

Click here for a list of survivors and other details such as which ship rescued them, a list of those missing, and those who died.

Some other books about the sinking of the Wilhelm Gustloff: Death In the Baltic: The World War II Sinking of the Wilhelm Gustloff by Cathryn Prince and The Damned Don't Drown: The Sinking of the Wilhelm Gustloff by A.V. Sellwood, and The Cruellest Night: Germany's Dunkirk and the Sinking of the Wilhelm Gustloff by Christopher Dobson