Trump Saves 1,000 Jobs; A Good Thing, Right?

     Trump will save more than 1,000 jobs in Indiana (out of 197,000 employees with United Technologies, parent company to Carrier Corps, maker of heating and cooling equipment. Also, coincidentally, a company that Vice-President-Elect Pence was originally unable to successfully talk into keeping jobs in his home state).

     Saving these 1,000 jobs is good news, right? Yes, I agree. To a point.

     Trump and Pence won't reveal the details of how this deal came about, but there is speculation that the company was probaby offered a "potential for lower taxes, a potential change in trade policies, etc" and US government contracts. "The Carrier deal could prompt other companies to try the same tactic, predicted Dan Ikenson, director of the Center for Trade Policy Studies at the libertarian Cato Institute. 'It creates a short-term political victory for the president-elect, but it opens up a Pandora's box in the sense that other companies are going to want the same sort of handout,' he said. 'It's better to have an overall policy that companies can bank on.'" [1]

     The way I understand the world, the reason there are policies, laws, and rules is so that everyone in society has an idea of the structure of how things operate. If you don't have a system in place, then how can you try to successfully predict an outcome? If you can't predict an outcome, how can you foresee any challenges? If you can't foresee a challenge, how can you determine that you're making the right decision about something? Without a set system, what will happen when one group is told one thing and another group is told another? How would ethical dilemmas be determined if there is no guideline?

     "Trump's staff also highlighted the president-elect's personal involvement, saying it was a sign of things to come as he works to keep jobs from fleeing. The style is unlikely to work on a larger scale, given the volume of companies that could opt to move manufacturing jobs. It may even provide an incentive for other companies to lodge similar threats in hopes of winning government give-backs." [2]

     I understand it's important for business to have incentive to keep jobs in the US. I wish a company would do that on its own, but it doesn't in the name of profits. And, I'm not necessarily against incentives for businesses. Without a company, there are no jobs. It's not a bad thing to help a company make money because an invenstment in the company is an investment in the employees it hires, and the employees invest in our economy. However, again, with no clear policy set in place in *how* these incentives will work and *what* those incentives will be across the board, I feel this creates an environment where businesses will have the upper hand in squeezing government to get what it wants. And what a business ultimately wants is profit. How do you profit? The easiest way is to start by having cheap labor. Thus, for Trump to meet all his promises, something is going to have to give, and the quickest way to do that is to threaten labor laws, workplace safety, and any other safety measures unions have in store to make sure employees are taken care of. In other words, relax all the laws and regulations that make companies ship jobs overseas where none of those demands have to be met. We all want our Apple and Mac products, our shoes and clothes, and toys for Christmas, but we don't want the high price tag. So, we may see more jobs come back or stay in the US, but the worker - the same person who most likely voted for Trump - will also, most likely, have to give up a lot in order to have that job. Does this help? Yes, there's a job; money in the bank, food on the table. But at what cost?

     This deal with Carrier also highlights the different styles between Obama and Trump. Obama would gather business leaders and academics to discuss economic issues, whereas Trump is "much more comfortable calling up a CEO and admoninishing him than he is sitting around a table with a bunch of policy wonks talking about the best way to change the incentive structure," said Jared Bernstein, a senior fellow at the Center for Budget and Policy Priorities and former economic advisor to Vice-President Joe Biden. He continued, "But if you're going to solve the economics of this, you've got to get at the incentive structure. You can't simply be handing out goodies to every single company that's planning to relocate." [3]

     I have a feeling that we're going to see a lot of action from Trump's Administration which is going to dazzle his supporters. They will get to point a finger at him and say, "Look! Finally someone is *doing* SOMEthing!" And, at the surface, this looks good. In fact, it looks really good. Things in Washington usually move at a glacial pace so this is going to seem like a welcome change. But, there's very little thought being given to what happens beyond that. What happens when a decision is made in haste? What happens when a decision is made without those discussions taking place? What happens when there's no process in place and the driving force is to just check-off a list?

     Again, with no clear structure of the process and incentives, you open up that Pandora's box that will further the divide between the wealthy and the not-so wealthy. And I ask, Who do you think wins at that game?

[1] Bierman, Noah and Puzzanghera, Jim (2016, December 1). Trump saves jobs, but at what cost? Los Angeles Times, p. A8.
[2] Bierman, Noah and Puzzanghera, Jim (2016, December 1). Trump saves jobs, but at what cost? Los Angeles Times, p. A8.
[3] Bierman, Noah and Puzzanghera, Jim (2016, December 1). Trump saves jobs, but at what cost? Los Angeles Times, p. A8.

it’s not anti-republican, it’s anti-trump

the only other person who could’ve probably incited so much protesting against the election was ted cruz. had john kasich, jeb bush, or marc rubio won, we wouldn’t be where we are now. i’m tired of seeing “get over it” and “chill out” and “stop your whining” from all the trump supporters. a vote for trump was a vote of ignorance for what was at stake.

i am tolerant of intellectual republicans. i was once a republican myself and know that there can be mutual respect and that there can be a productive exchange of ideas. i despised bush, jr for many reasons, but i never felt like i lost my country - even with the illegal war he started. to trump supporters, this was a pissing match. to me, and most others, this was about respect for life (and the environment), our freedom to be who we are, to love whom we want, to accept our differences regardless of religious beliefs, and a chance for us to win fights against hatred, women’s rights and minority rights. this wasn’t a republican vs democrat election. that would’ve been kasich/bush/rubio vs clinton/sanders.

kasich, rubio, and bush would’ve never said, “i could shoot someone and get away with it” and ignite crowds with excitement.

kasich, rubio, and bush would’ve never said, “i can grab any pussy and get away with it” and ignite crowds with excitement.

kasich, rubio, and bush would’ve never said, “‘knock out (anyone who protests us)’” and ignite crowds with excitement.

a republican is not someone who values violence towards others or values racism, but someone who does value violence towards others or who is racist is most likely a republican. 

a republican is not someone who is uneducated but someone who is uneducated is most likely a republican. 

a republican is not someone who is without an understanding of the world at large and our relationship to it, but someone who doesn’t understand the world at large and our relationship to it is most likely a republican.

republican politicians, while i may not agree with most of them, have education and experience to back up their views. they know the chess game. trump had no experience in the political arena, boasted about not knowing how government or foreign policy worked, but still made him captain of a ship he never once even sailed on. i wonder, would trump supporters go to a mechanic for a root canal?

we will be getting a team who will be guided by white, heterosexual, evangelical views. 

this is happening in a land founded by illegal immigrants who were intellectuals with views that government stay out of people’s business and who prided themselves on the notion of separation of church and state.

digest that irony.

so much hate, so much darkness, so much spite; my heart hurts

in regards to last night's presidential election, i'm scared for my rights as a woman and the future for my children, i'm scared for all my minority friends and their families, i'm scared for all muslims, i'm scared for our environment and Mother Earth, i'm heartbroken that someone who mistreats everyone he comes across, someone who doesn't respect his workers and doesn't pay his workers, someone who believes women are objects to be grabbed and jerked around, someone who doesn't understand how government works and whose followers believe he's going to just "fire" congress, someone who will represent me but spews so much hatred and violence - values i don't have and values i don't teach my children, someone who will flies off the handle on whim, someone with no respect for our country and all the gains, someone who doesn't *care* to understand the ins and outs of our government, or OUR WORLD, or our economy and its tangled web, someone who not once ever cared about anyone else other than himself so as to stroke his bankrupt-ass ego, i'm heartbroken that someone like that will get to call himself President.

this is just the beginning...

From Feminists United on Facebook:

and this from a woman named Ingrid Jackson on Facebook:

i don't want hate and darkness to win. i can't believe it has with lasting consequences for my and my friends' children.

and speaking of children, if you have them, this is an excellent article to read what to tell them about the results of last night's election.

and i leave you with the incredibly insightful blog post from John Pavlovitz about why those of us who wanted Hillary Clinton to win. among other things, it was a race "about our views of people's worth." please read it.

Supermarkets and Birth Control

     A birth control law passed in my native state of California was supposed to be ground-breaking and, while it was, it's been slow to come to fruition. Quelle surprise, right? Women should have easier access to fill their BC prescriptions by taking them to a pharmacy, but this has proven to be a lot more challenging than it should be.

     On this blog post, I'll be referring to this Los Angeles Times article that presents the delays that women still face in accessing BC despite the new law. The law doesn't require pharmacies to provide BC through the new law, and many aren't sure that they ever will, but it would make things a lot easier for women, that's for sure. The reluctance of some pharmacies is "in part because it could take up to an hour to complete the process for dispensing contraception to women. They must take the patient's blood pressure, administer a questionnaire about health issues that could raise red flags and go over side effects." (1)

          1) Taking time to check-in on a woman's health is somehow more burdensome than
              unwanted pregnancies?
          2) And while they should, I have never had a pharmacist go over side effects with me. They
              tell me to hit "yes" on the prompt that they went over the side effects with me and then I
              sign my name attesting that this actually happened. Yes, we're both liars.

     Nihar Mandavia, pharmacist and owner of Drugist Pharmacy in Laguna Niguel, has the right idea. He "doesn't think the extra time spent with patients will be a burden for his staff...[helping] customers with such services [like consultation] can give independent pharmacies like his an edge over big chains." (2) Go Mandavia. If I could afford Laguna Niguel and used BC, I would be your customer. If I owned a pharmacy, I'd be your competitor.

     The real problem, though, could be the actual consultation. BC is covered by the Affordable Care Act, but not the consultation itself, and it's unclear whether private insurance companies would, or will, cover it. The price of the consultation seems to be somewhere in the $40-$50 range and could prevent those who don't have the money to go to the doctor's to seek out BC. (Although to THAT I would say, Go to Planned Parenthood.) Despite this, though, it's good to know that starting in January, the state's health insurance, Medi-Cal, will begin covering any consultation fees. Hooray! And the other good news is that under another law passed this year in CA, women will be able to get a year's supply of BC at once instead of having to go each month (or in the case of Planned Parenthood, every 3 months). Double hooray!

     Currently, these supermarkets' pharmacies will fill your BC:

                    - Albertsons
                    - Vons
                    - Vons Pavilions
                    - Safeway

     A statewide pilot program is under way with

                    - CVS (5 in LA; locations weren't listed)

     Still ironing out details:

                    - Walgreens
                    - Ralphs

     Hopefully we can get more insurance coverage and women don't have to hide or go on a senseless, time-consuming hunt just for wanting to take control of their health and life.

1. Karlamangla, Soumya (2016, October 31). Women still face delays Los Angeles Times, B5.
2. Karlamangla, Soumya (2016, October 31). Women still face delays Los Angeles Times, B5.

   

My Lithuanian American Experience 

and the NY Bombing Suspect, Ahman Rahami

       This is in response to Sunday’s LA Time’s article about the arrest of Ahmad Khan Rahami, the NY bombing suspect. I feel I am in a unique position to offer some insight from the side of immigrants as well as from the children who grew up in the US or who were born here to immigrant parents. I am a second-generation Lithuanian (on my mother’s side) born in the US who grew up in the Lithuanian community. I grew up with stories of my grandparents fleeing Lithuania during WWII where their families were torn apart and plagued by atrocities conducted by Stalin and the communists, and yet somehow found ways to laugh and sing.

I grew up with a mother whose entire childhood was dominated by the Lithuanian language and Lithuanian-oriented activities. But, her childhood and early adult years were also sprinkled with Elvis, the Beatles, JFK, free love, Martin Luther King, and the Vietnam War. Despite my grandparents’ belief that one day they would all return to a free Lithuania, my mom would never be a Lithuanian from Lithuania like they. Even the way the language was spoken by my mom (and later us) would be different from those who were born and raised in Lithuania.

My mother was a single-mom (my father was not Lithuanian) and she raised me and my sister in a Lithuanian household and we attended Lithuanian Saturday school. We lived and breathed Lithuanian scouts and camps, danced in festivals across the nation, and always lived a dual life: one with our non-Lithuanian friends and one with. I am now doing the same with my own daughters which is only possible with the 100% support of my non-Lithuanian husband. However, I have always considered myself to be an American who happens to speak another language which happens to be Lithuanian.

My mother’s upbringing and world was dual as well. This alone separated her from her parents immensely, and it was something with which EVERY immigrant family grapples. My grandparents learned enough English to get by, but there was no way they could connect and identify with the world in which my mother was growing up. This is, of course, natural between parents and their children, but it is especially underscored within immigrant families and particularly when looking at cultural differences. My husband, for example, an avid Beatles fan, could introduce their music to our older daughter and my mother-in-law could provide living history of what it was like to hear their music live for the first time on the Ed Sullivan Show. My mother would never have been able to share something prominent like that with her parents. She would have no connection to the music giants (mainly composers) of Lithuania during my grandparents’ coming of age days and they would have no connection to the music that my mom would have been listening to as a teenager. There could maybe be an intellectual understanding on my mother’s part, at least later in life, but there would be no connection to the day-to-day. Also, on a more personal note, my mom had trouble connecting to my total immersion of pop culture as a teen. While her world was split 50-50, American (pop culture) influences were much more a part of my life than hers. And I may not “get” my daughters’ eventual pop cultural references and influences, but I will understand them better than my mom with me or her mother with her.

What I find so many immigrant families doing, including my own, is coming to the US with the expectation that their lives will continue to be the same here as in their home country. I can understand the reason for this. There’s nothing else but their home country that they have to compare to. Yet, this is simply not the case. America is made up of so many fabrics which is what makes her so beautiful.

The Rahami family came to the US under political asylum and opened up a restaurant with the name First American Fried Chicken as a tribute to the United States. This shows gratitude and appreciation, for sure. But when Ahmad Rahami began a relationship in high school with a Dominican girl, Maria, his father, Mohammad, didn’t approve. He felt that the relationship with the girl was a disturbing influence of American culture. He ordered his son to travel to Afghanistan and Pakistan, and it was after these trips people noticed a change in Ahmad and that he became more serious about his religion. There is nothing inherently wrong with getting more serious about one’s religion, but I, personally, get uncomfortable when it is forced. And it feels like Mr. Rahami forced his son to fit a mold that only he saw fit.

“Born in Afghanistan in 1988, Ahmad had come to the US as a small child and rapidly inhaled American culture. [He] developed a passion for rap music, souped up cars and motorcycles…[and] favored tight jeans and fashionable t-shirts.” [1] Now, imagine growing up in one country and then being forced to go back to a country where the only connection you have to it is through your parents who themselves have not lived there for over 15 years. A lot can change in 15 years.

It was when Ahmad was 19 that he and Maria had a baby girl and his father refused to see the baby. Eventually, Maria broke it off with Ahmad and his heart broke. After the break-up, his relationship with his father was strained which isn’t surprising. Ahmad may have put himself in his father’s mold, but he is still a product of the influences that he experienced growing up in America, not Afghanistan. He was put in a position to deny who he was and what he wanted.

At the heart of all of this, is the failure on the part of the father (and maybe both parents) to acknowledge that the US is not Afghanistan. By bringing a family here, there are only so many rituals and traditions that one will be able to hold on to. The children who grow up in the US will have a different set of influence which will make their journey quite different from the one they would’ve had in their home country. This lack of acceptance on the part of the Rahami family has caused a town in New Jersey to fracture, a little girl to lose her father, a man to probably spend most of his life in an American jail, and a family torn apart. A family that probably left Afghanistan in the hope of escaping sadness and despair.

Keeping one’s culture alive is important. I am living proof of this. But it’s important to understand that culture is fluid, even within one's own culture. My daughters will not grow up with the exact same Lithuanian (American) culture as I did, and that’s OK because it is a different set of influences that surrounds them making their journey a different from the one I had. This will only help mold and shape them into the human beings they are meant to be.

1. Demick, Barbara (2016, September 25). Tolerance obscured imminent tragedy. Los Angeles Times, p. A12.

Dear Donald Trump,

“Make America Great Again.” Please explain your meaning of “again.” I, specifically, would like to know if there’s a time period that you have in mind.

Is it when wealthy, white, European immigrants came and raped Native Americans and their land?

Is it when wealthy, white, European immigrants brought over indentured servants to do the hard labor with promises of freedom and prosperity that most would never see?

Is it when wealthy, white, European immigrants realized indentured servants were too expensive and risky to keep, yet shipping Africans to the US and having them do all the hard labor proved more economical? Slaves catapulted America’s wealth, so is it their blood, sweat, and tears the “again” you’re referring to?

Or is it when wealthy, white immigrants used children and women to work in factories with no regulation during the Industrial Revolution the “again” you’re referring to?

Maybe you’re talking about when wealthy, white Americans ostracized the Chinese ignoring the fact that we have a transcontinental railroad because of them, or once ostracizing the Italians, or the Irish, or the Jewish immigrants despite their contributions to every aspect of society from constructing buildings in NY to food to music to art, etc. And now society wishes to ostracize Latinos forgetting that any food one has in his or her fridge or any food that one orders at a restaurant was brought about, most likely, because of a migrant, South American worker. Cesar Chavez and Dolores Huerta mean nothing to you, obviously.

Does your “again” refer to the time when wealthy, white Americans segregated towns and cities, sending money to white schools and very little to no money for books and materials to black schools but then ridiculed an entire race for being “dumb?”

Or is the “again” about the time when white Americans lynched blacks and other minorities, some even hog-tied and dragged behind pick-up trucks? Are you like a KKK member who’s so rebellious you’d refuse to wear your hood? Is a KKK America the “again” you’re referring to?

See, Mr. Trump, America is only as good as its leaders and citizens. Our history has a lot of pain and hatred. It’s astonishing that you are proud to be a face to that, and that you’re proud to encourage the continuation of that pain and hatred. Maybe you do feel that bringing back the laws that allowed for so much hatred, racism, and murder of specific groups is what would make America great “again,” but I would hope to think, no, I want to believe that there are more of us Americans who want to honor our differences rather than chastise and divide. America is a country filled with people who aren’t afraid of hard work, who aren’t afraid to try new ground, and who aren’t afraid to work together regardless of religion, background, sexual orientation, or race. Perhaps you’re hard-pressed to believe this, but America is not a reality show.

I was once a school teacher, and once gave a test to my students that most failed. I took a step back and realized that their inability to pass the test wasn’t a reflection on whether or not they studied, but a reflection on my inability to have correctly taught the lesson. So, I had to go back and figure out another way to reteach the lesson because it was important to me for them to understand it more than it was to keep my students down. Your strategy is to keep most Americans down, and when you have a country filled with people who are kept down, it is a reflection of the leader, not the individuals. A leader’s role is to think about what’s best for everyone, not just for the few. You may think you’re a leader because your bank account has more zeroes than I could ever fathom, but you mistake money for intelligence and your supporters mistake celebrity for intelligence.

You’ve run quite a circus and made a mockery of our democratic process, but I have faith that, at some point, the lights will turn dark on your circus and you will find yourself back in the board room trying to figure out another way to be a headline. Perhaps the headline will be something like, “Donald Trump Reinvents Himself Again,” because, after all, the chance to become someone in the US, even over and over, is what makes America great all the time.

Sincerely,

Vejune J. Baltrusaitis

Given A Life, But No Voice

I’m an animal lover, hands down. In 41 years, I have never gone longer than a few months without an animal in my life. One of the many things I hope to pass down to my own children is a love for animals. So far, I can tell the younger one already does, but the jury’s still out on the older one. I’m working on it.

With that being said, what I have a lot of trouble wrapping my head around is how we have strong laws against animal abuse but can’t yet seem to find a unified policy when it comes to child abuse and neglect. I remember a video of two guys abusing a kitten going viral with the world calling for their heads (and rightly so), but now another child was recently found dead at the hands of his abusive mother and not a peep anywhere except for the LA Times.

On the front page of the California section on Thursday, September 15, 2016, one of the headlines reads, “Dead boy, 11, weighed just 34 pounds.” My heart sank. Again.

Let’s break down the article a little bit.

“The records show that Yonatan’s risk of abuse at home had been marked as ‘high’ four times from 2009 to 2012 by a program intended to guide social workers’ level of intervention.” The article continues, “The boy’s family had been the subject of six prior reports to DCFS…”

So:

1. The child’s risk of abuse was rated “high” four times in 3 years. Nothing was done.

2. The boy’s family had a history of being reported. Nothing was done.

Michael Vick, former NFL player, was found guilty of illegal dog-fighting and jailed for his crimes. Many, if not most, of the dogs found new homes and were given a second lease on life. Where was Yonatan’s second lease?

Back to the article.

“…although allegations of physical abuse regarding Yonatan were reported to both DCFS and police, no police investigation was launched” and in December 2011, the boy was found in the bathroom suffering from hypothermia and “again deemed to be at high risk of abuse” but, again, nothing was done.

On March 15, 2012 (just 3 months after the hypothermia incident), Yonatan “came to school with a black eye,” so DCFS and the cops were called but “no cases were opened.” Four days later, when Yonatan was seen grabbing whatever and as much food he could get his hands on, DCFS was called, again, but no case was opened calling the allegation “unfounded.”

I once discovered an owner keeping his or her cat in his or her car during the day and night. I anonymously called it in and the cat was immediately rescued, no questions asked.

Yonatan died in a fetal position, in a closet on the floor and weighing just 34 pounds. He was 11 years old. Who was his advocate? Who was his superhero? Who was around to tell him his life mattered and he was important enough to fight for?

I don’t want to come across as arrogant and that I have all the answers. I don’t. I know that the DCFS is overworked. I can’t imagine all the cases with which they have to deal. My comments and observations are merely to punctuate the imbalance in our society when we have clear laws to protect an animal but not for a child. I’m reminded of the case of Viola Vanclief who was placed in the home of Kiana Barker and her boyfriend, both convicted criminals. Kiana beat Viola to death. She was two. [1] Do you know of any animals who would be put in the home of a convicted animal abuser? I sure don’t. 

       These stories and situations are hard to accept. We can do better because we should want to.

1. USC Annenberg Center for Health Journalism http://www.centerforhealthjournalism.org/2013/12/24/series-details-abuse-california-foster-care-system Accessed 15 Sept. 2016

Reproductive Remorse

So you’re a mom with reproductive remorse. Interesting. A mom who wishes she never had her kids. Ok. It’s, “I love my kids, but…”  

Not that I want to invalidate someone’s feelings, but, after reading articles such as this, I urge the women who feel reproductive remorse to give a different set of reasons since the ones I’ve read are disingenuous.

One of the top reasons for regretting having had kids is Time — wishing for more of it, wishing for “free time,” “me time,” and “us time.” I don’t know how this is unique to people with kids, but let me try to break it down a bit. My husband and I had kids later in life, but I don’t remember the last time I had “free time” or “me time.” My schedule always consisted of waking up early and hitting the gym, putting in a full day’s work, coming home, making dinner, cleaning up, getting some writing done and at some point sitting down to watch TV. My schedule with two kids is not that different except for working out, which I hope to resume in the near future. And whatever “free time” I had before kids was usually unfocused and stressed because in the back of my mind I was thinking about all the practical things that needed to get done.

So, what is “free time, really”? I think I was in my 20’s the last time I had genuine, real “free time” in which I could take two hours to write in my journal, or hang out with friends on a whim without worrying too much about bills or meeting deadlines. As for “us time,” it was, of course, a little easier before kids, but it certainly hasn’t gone away. My husband and I were both movie buffs who stopped going to movies regularly eons ago because it got too annoying to deal with crowds and obnoxious people on their cell phones. It also got frustrating to sacrifice a decent dinner just to catch the one movie that would let out early enough for us to face our responsibilities the next morning (and I’m including weekends here). Going out to a dinner for two was a lot more fun in our 20’s when we didn’t pay attention to crowds, and going out with large groups of friends was actually never much fun because we got tired of paying $70 for $20 worth of food. As a result, we have found other ways to have “us time” from enjoying TV shows together to going wine tasting to finding ourselves on the couch talking and laughing.

As for “me time,” I believe we have it all the time. Maybe just not the way we want. When I was in college and making $4.25 an hour, my “me time” included having lunch, going to a movie for $4 about 3 times a week, buying snacks and still having money left over to buy whatever CD or book I’d want at Barnes & Noble. When I finally got a professional job, years before kids, I didn’t have the time to go see a movie once a week, much less three. And if I did, I wouldn’t be able to see a movie, buy snacks, and have money left over, that’s for sure. And why is that? Because things change. 

When I turned 30, I became serious about my creative pursuits, so my “me time” became creative time whether it was writing or working on film projects. In my first trimester with my first daughter, I was depressed because I thought that any time I had for my creative pursuits would disappear. I ended up being more creative and more focused in her first two years of life than I was in my previous thirty-five (and I continue to be so). What changed was valuing the “me time” I could find, not squandering it, and not thinking about what else I could be doing. Like with anything, it’s about choices.

I also don’t think it’s genuine when someone says you can have kids and say you love them, yet wish you never had them. What that telegraphs is, “I love you, child, but only because you’re here and it is expected of me.” Who wants to feel that? If you truly wish you didn’t have kids, then let them go. Give them up so that they’re with someone who does want them, because not feeling wanted is one of the worst feelings one can feel especially from one’s own biological parent. Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Mothers Who Can’t Love, A Healing Guide for Daughters, wrote: “There’s a shame around [being unloved by your mother], like there’s something wrong with you. If I wasn’t loved maybe I wasn’t lovable.” [1] There’s so much pain that surrounds us that children really must feel safe with their parent(s). You can’t be half in and half out. What happens to a marriage or any relationship with that attitude? Exactly.

In addition, life is too short to live in resentment, and if all you’re doing is waiting for the kids to turn 18 so they can legally leave the house, then you’ve closed yourself off from any lesson they could possibly teach you. I personally can admit that I would not have been a very good mother in my 20’s or early 30’s. And because I *knew* this, I did what I had to do to avoid becoming one. This is a very different sentiment from reproductive remorse. Whatever the reason a woman ends up having children, the consequences of making that decision shouldn’t be taken out on the child. However, this does prompt a larger discussion about the pressures put on women to have children, but that is another subject entirely. [2]

Recently, I read a complaint from a woman who was tired of having to look for a babysitter when going out. Really? That’s a reason you wish you didn’t have kids? This mom and her husband must have had the energy to go out every single night of the week before kids, and now they find it annoying and exhausting to find a babysitter. Most parents I know have a few babysitters on hand and make plans ahead of time. I would make plans ahead of time with friends when I was a teenager! And though nightlife may seem exhausting because of the kids, I discovered two years before our first child — while on my feet at a general-admission Nine Inch Nails show — that I could no longer stay up past 11pm anyway… which brings me to my last point.

The biggest reason for reproductive remorse is the wish for the life one had before kids. This irks me the most. How can you expect to have the life of a twenty-something in your 30’s or 40’s or beyond? None of us wants to get older. We all wish we were still in our 20’s, before the realities of a job started wearing us down, before the anxieties of bills and a mortgage, before the challenges of raising children. I’m a stay-at-home mom and I’ve had countless moments when I wished I had an office door I could shut in order to escape for a few moments. But not once have I wished that my two daughters were out of my life, even in the most difficult moments — and this is coming from someone who for 32 years was vehemently against having kids. I hope that those who wish they never had kids find some peace in their heart, because life should be made of up moments that make you want more, not less.

1. Shouse, Amy. My Mom Didn’t Want to Be a Mother. Dame Magazine, http://www.damemagazine.com/2015/05/07/my-mom-didnt-want-be-mother. Accessed 5 Sep. 2016. 

2.  Excellent article about this topic. http://jezebel.com/we-need-to-talk-about-women-who-regret-motherhood-1635470629 

grief ain't for the faint-hearted

today is 6 mo when i lost my mom. with my sister on one side and i on the other, we held her hands as she transitioned from this life into wherever we go when we die. i wish i could say that i am the only person in the world to have lost someone i love because it would then justify the darkness and the loneliness i'm left to navigate all by myself. it doesn't matter if you have siblings, a large family or a small one, the grieving process is one of the loneliest journeys we will ever experience.

i wish that i could say i've gained wisdom in these passed months, that somehow witnessing such a deeply personal experience gave me some sort of higher understanding of our world and meaning of it all, but all i have to show in these months is a lot of anger and resentment and hatred and frustration. i know this is all part of the grieving process and those who have lost before tell me it will get easier over time. somewhere i know this to be true.

my mother and i had a tumultuous relationship for most of my life. i would always joke that the first 24 hours of us being together were the best but then we would start to push each other’s buttons. my mom approached life with her heart and i approach it cerebrally. it took many years of analyzing to come to an understanding in my mind and heart that we both needed to live a little more like the other. i’m a work in progress. 

however, it wasn't until i had a baby (and thanks to years of therapy), that i began to relate to her on a completely different level. i didn’t necessarily turn to her for advice about baby stuff, but i would have days where i understood her struggle as a parent better. eventually, our conversations about politics and life would have a deeper meaning, and i found myself turning to her more often for advice on things that i didn’t think i ever would.

she moved to lithuania in 2008 and, because my family is the way it is, communication is done mainly via email (or text). at the urging of my therapist at the time, i made several attempts to alter this habit, but it was too easy to fall back into our old pattern. plus the 10 hour time difference made it difficult to establish a routine. excuses, yes, but our family's reality. i still check my email daily soon after waking up with a glimmer of hope that all of this was just a nightmare and that i'll find an email from her asking me where i've been and why i haven't written to her (which would always piss me off because she was the one who was impossible to pin down).

so i'm left with navigating these emotions. 41 years of emotions. i'm left with moments of hugging her clothes so hard against my chest desperately wishing i could stuff them into my heart to seal the hole so i could just stop hurting. or, in a rare moment of sitting in the car alone, blasting whatever music happens to be on with the hopes that it will drown out the sorrow. or moments when i, unexpectedly, find a still unopened package of ladybug barrettes she bought, ones that my daughter says she will hold in her hands all night while she sleeps. this then reminds me that my daughter’s last memories of her grandmother will be ones of her shriveling away because of cancer. then the guilt sets in that i have no right to even have such thoughts because my sister's kids, should she have them, will never have known their grandmother at all.

losing a loved one sucks. we will all experience it at some point and probably more than once. i wish there was a book to tell me exactly how this all goes down so i can study it and be done with it. the emotional tug-of-war and the two steps forward three steps back is tormenting. i've had exactly one moment of solace where i felt one with her, and one where i felt i began to understand the saying that a loved one is never truly gone. the person is the wind that sways the leaves, the bird that sings, and the deer that drinks from the stream. as i hiked through mt. talmapais a few weeks ago, i felt her around me and with me, and i felt such peace. since then, i try to remind myself of that peace, of that moment when i stood under a tree that would've taken her breath away, and where the raindrops fell from the branches on to my head and my outstretched arms. she was there with me, smiling with me, being present with me even if it was in a different form. i'm selfish and want her here so that i could laugh with her and hear her sing again. hell, so that we could even argue again and i can complain about how much she drives me crazy. but i have to settle for the breeze and the bird and the deer.

i'm grateful to have had what i had with her, warts and all, because for all the mistakes and the decisions she made that hurt me, she was the most unique person i had ever met. she taught me so many good things and, even in her death, she underscored for me that it's not what you do, it's how you do it. that this life is all we have. so how will i honor it?